The project that I have wanted to do my whole life is trace my family history and learn more about who I am. Every time the topic of heritage comes up in class most people can just say where their families came from but I have never had any idea. I would LOVE to be able to do this for my research project. The only problem is... that I can't.

I talked to my grandma this weekend to ask how impossible it would be for me to do the research and she blatantly said, "Impossible." I knew it would be hard and I would be fighting legal issues, but I didn't know that it would be impossible.

Here's why:
My mom is adopted. She was part of a closed adoption and the only thing we know is that the mother was very strictly catholic and got pregnant during her time at MSU. She decided to have the baby and participate in an adoption before her parents could find out because she knew she would be in a lot of trouble. That is the farthest back that I can trace my history on my mother's side of the family. No matter how many times I call the hospitals or DFS, I am not allowed to know anything unless the original mother agrees to it. Unfortunately, I cannot get her to agree if I don't know her name or where she is.

A picture of my birth grandmother.

I started to do this research and was shut down so quickly that I didn't learn anything new. I had a plan as well. I was going to talk to the hospital and POSSIBLY try and contact my birth grandmother. I just want to know what she is like. Would she be able to see herself through my behavior? Do I look like her? Is she the reason I have this weird button nose? I just wanted to know. But I'll never know most likely. Unless one day she decides to try and contact us and tell us about who we actually are.

I guess it doesn't really matter because my adoptive grandmother is my grandmother. I wouldn't be who I am without her and how she has raised me. Especially since I live with her now, it doesn't matter to me that we aren't technically related because our blood and DNA are different. To me, we are related because she is the only one that has always been there for me and helped me deal with my crazy parents. She immediately took me in without question when I had nowhere to go and that is what matters. I love her and she loves me and that is how it was meant to be. Without her, I would be a completely different story, and I am so glad she is in my life.

The only way I can continue this project is if I only look into my dad's side of the family which would be kind of difficult since all of his relatives are out of town and don't see me very often. At this point, I have changed my topic. This was sort of the intro into why I picked my research topic.

I am going to research the effect of closed adoption on the adopted person/child. My mother and grandmother have agreed to be my primary sources and I could even be one myself. According to most research, a lot of the time children that have been adopted acquire attachment disorders that can lead to other behavioral problems. I'm interested in how that applies to my mother and other people that have gone through the adoption process.